An appeal for the needy

Hahahahahahahaha. Cry me a river! I had my time and money wasted by Cornell, so I’m not the most sympathetic recipient for an appeal of this nature. Also, not practicing, um, ever, no, I can’t help. I am a loser at the career my Dad wanted me to try. Lawyers are, by and large, insane and evil. Potentially useful, though, if you ever need to sue somebody. I learned some of their ways, and it might have made me a more callous person. Though I think any job does that to a person; there is nothing like dealing with people in a work environment to help you shed your illusions that we are part of something good. I give the current dean credit for being more of a human being than past deans, however. Without further ado:

Dear Cornell Alumnus,

As you well know, we continue to face a major economic downturn.  This downturn has manifested itself in many ways, and one of them is the current summer job market for law students.  While most of our current second-year class has secured summer employment as of this writing, several dozen very fine students are still engaged in their searches.

I am writing with the hope that you will give strong consideration to providing a summer employment opportunity for one of these students.  For those of you practicing in the judicial, government, non-profit, or in-house counsel arenas, summer funding and/or externship programs sponsored by the law school can eliminate the need for your organization to compensate a student directly.

If you would like to explore the possibility of employing a Cornell law student this summer, please feel free to contact [blah blah blah].

Many thanks in advance.  Your support in these challenging times will be invaluable.

Best regards,

[the dean]

Translation: each year, we turn out several hundred highly educated assholes who like to pour over insignificant details and be rude to each other because they are too boring to lead interesting lives. However, they are drawn to status, money, pretty wives (and now husbands), expensive cars and vacations, and living at the end of their means (and can you blame them). Many of them take on “debt” which they need to repay by working at large law firms. At least, so goes the story. But almost all of them have, if not trust funds, wealthy parents who, in the back of their minds, they know will always help them land on their feet.

They will probably never experience a consequence, except maybe for disease, divorce, alcoholism, plane hijacking, rehab; you know, rich people problems.

However, we invent consequences for them, so that their lives will not suffer the unfortunate happenstance of being drama-free. Such as not succeeding in their chosen profession. We pretend the sky is falling. We like to report “99% employment” to US News and World report to keep our Ivy League sheen. We fear being the least good of the Ivys. Having 24 to 72 big law firm corporate types working at McDonald’s in their second year threatens our business model.

So please, successful graduates making between $125,000 and $500,000 per annum in order to be subhuman leeches in a corrupt corporatocracy (or more? who knows what these slithering iguanas at the top do to leverage and abuse their privileged position). Can’t you look into your self-serving hearts and employ these little suckups for 2.5 months during the summer? They’re a lot like you, only they’ve been born into a generation that now finds too many piggies feeding at the wealth trough. It will be invaluable to us and our reputation. You know the saying concocted in Chevy Chase’s hilarious Funny Farm: “Once a Rebuddian, always a Redbuddian.” May you all be partners or judges one day and give generously to our prestigious institution.

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Most of the people who might receive this email probably won’t even read it. I, unlike them, appreciate why this is a real problem. I probably would help, if I were in a position to. I would think, in a normal world, people would find gainful employment in the field they trained for, and if they didn’t, it should be immediately redressed. That would seem to make sense. But it doesn’t work that way. We want to create winners and losers. We outsourced work and insourced consumption. We chose disruptiveness and rootlessness over stability and continuity. But viewed another way, we chose adventurousness over lethargy. Stability and continuity tend to produce caste systems and intolerable relationships.

The compensation for losing may be a better life, ironically. Despite my loneliness, trouble finding a mate, and fear of developing other rich people problems, I have seen and done more than I thought possible in the past 10 years (since the life-sucking force of school ended), and I’m just getting started.

“I am Jaguar Paw. This is my forest. And I am not afraid.”